Righteous Dude sees things in black and white.  From the lofty heights of his ideals he judges everything.  Whether it’s a religion, a political view, a trendy new diet, or how to hang the toilet paper, he is right and he has all of the answers.  And boy, does he love to opine. At heart Righteous Dude is uncomfortable with the vast, complicated world we live in.  Righteous Dude can be overwhelmed by all of this, so he can vastly oversimplifies things. His capacity to judge is a way of seeming to have control over life, as it is in many ways easier to be critical than to see all of the complex nuances present in the world and the reasons and values associated with these uniqueness.  It’s very convenient to make snap decisions, to assert yes or no, without looking at the details. He’s the Indecisomonster turned on his head.

Righteous Dude keeps you focused on the differences between you and others, rather than looking for the common ground and shared experiences.  Rather than reflecting upon the nuances of things, Righteous Dude causes you to see things in stark contrasts, and predetermined assumptions and beliefs that you express without even pausing to think.  He’s more focused on what you learned in the past rather than perceiving the present.  Energetically he makes you extremely unreceptive, putting out a lot more energy than you let in.  This leaves you feeling brittle.  Sadly, this is a vicious circle, because the response is to be ever more mentally controlling.

Righteous Dude also limits your vocabulary to words like “always”, “never” and the smallest of all….”should”. Righteous Dude is the King of Shoulds - and the Emperor of Being Right. The mental habits of Righteous Dude make the mind a little smaller each time so the world doesn’t seem so filled with possibilities or complexities.  If you don’t relish your capacity for being curious about the people, issues and the world around you, your creativity diminishes.  Being open to other’s points of view is a way to stay open through the uncomfortable places and to love the questions in life that present themselves to you.

When Righteous Dude is balanced you make an amazing teacher.  For this you must express yourself through your heart, rather than your head so there’s common ground and a mutual respect for those you’re teaching.  Be willing to learn from others as much as you’re willing to share with others.  Taming him is a balance of being grounded in your own values while being open to the perspectives of others. 

When he’s balanced you also make a great orator, able to inspire and rally people.  You can help others see a different perspective than their own.  When Righteous Dude is able to give up being right, you’re able to perceive the truth in any perspective.  This makes you a powerful mediator.

To tame him, start to notice your pet peeves as opportunities for connection rather than correction.   Before you growl at the person who just threw a lit cigarette but on the ground, how can you first appreciate that person and see him as a person?   How can you communicate?  How can you disagree without being disagreeable?  What are all of the options?  How can you create an energy that is inclusive and kind? 

This path may be longer, but is more enduring and reflects who you want to be.  When you notice you have your hackles up and you’re in the right about something, ask yourself, what’s more important to you - being right, or being happy?  Life is so short, why spend even one moment being emotionally and mentally rigid?  What would be available for you if you purposely and gently decided that being right doesn’t matter?  What would it be like if you just let yourself relish being wrong?

Affirmations for Righteous Dude:  I am willing to expand the horizons of my thinking.  I am open to the perspectives of others.  I allow other people to be themselves and appreciate others for what they share with me.

We so often talk about having our lives in balance as if the day is an all-you-can-eat-buffet and we’re supposed to serve ourselves properly measured potions of work, meaningful time with family and friends, plus of course, sleep and exercise.  This way of relating to life often leaves my clients feeling bloated and tired after overindulging or constantly hungry for more because of a too-lean schedule.  Some people settle for quick sugar fixes because their true selves are constantly over piled with the bland starches of the work-a-day life. 

What if, rather than thinking of balance as a plate you’re filling with food, you instead thought of it as your ability to taste, savor and to digest your life?  What if you thought of balance as the energy and awareness you carry with you through the different activities in your day, whatever it is that is happening at the moment?

At the heart of balance is your capacity to be present with what is, while also maintaining perspective of the bigger picture of your life and your future.  In this sense, balance has several ingredients:  awareness of what you feel, what is happening in your present environment, what you are doing in this moment and how you are showing up – bringing as much of yourself to this moment as is available to you.   Yet balance also requires the part of you that is self-regulating to hold space for the larger flow of your day and structure of your time. 

When you try to attain balance, it’s frequently your self-regulator that is given too much emphasis.  Your regulator is the inner voice that wants to run your show.  It thinks abstractly in order to remind you that you must not forget such things as your need to go to the bank today.  A regulator pulls you out of the present moment.  An unbalanced regulator eats up your psychic energy and can make things feel overstuffed and a trifle neurotic.


Basically, your regulator wants to feel that nothing is going to slip through the cracks and that you are moving in a direction in alignment with your purpose.  This is a very valuable part of self.  Your regulator is responsible.  It’s important to give this part of self a way to work effectively that doesn’t over pile your psychic plate.  So let’s work with this abstract part of self in a way that is spacious. 

Here are four dimensions to help foster equilibrium with your regulator.  The first is to create simple structures so this voice doesn’t have to keep reminding you of things that are outside of the present moment.  People create plans in order to try to get more accomplished.  Here, it’s not so much about getting more accomplished as it is about getting what you want done with a sense of ease and flow.  Lists are wonderful for this.  As soon as something is written down, psychic space is freed up.  The idea is to create a schedule or task list that provides you with boundaries around your space and time so you can focus your attention more fully.

The second dimension is to create a deep sense of inner alignment.  This can be more creative - using such processes as value streams and dream boards.  Or, it can be more concrete such as writing a thorough business plan that includes a solid vision statement.  The emphasis here is on creating a sense of direction that your self-regulator can trust, but in a way that is spacious – not focused on the getting it done as much creating as a profound confidence in where you are going.

Another important dimension to being in balance is to engage your awareness more fully in this present moment.  You can enjoy greater balance by focusing your senses on straightforward and simple things.  What are some raw elements in your day that you can attend to more fully and enjoy?  How do you let your absorb what is around you at this moment?  

For example, what if give yourself a few minutes to truly savor your morning cup of coffee?  What if you purchase your vegetables from the local farmer’s market so you understand where your food is coming from?  What if, as you exercise or engage in your daily commute, you challenge yourself to find what is unique along this path rather than what is the same?

Likewise when you pause to take in a person by truly sharing a smile before you use words to greet them, or when you allow yourself to relish their energy for a moment, you not only connect more fully, you create balance in your energy field and are more aware in to the present moment.  Awareness of these simple elements of life enhance your balance when you’re striving hard on a project or are overly driven.

Finally, just be curious about the voice of your regulator.  Become aware of the influence it has on your capacity to be effective in your endeavors as well as its impact on your experience of life.  What kinds of questions would you like to ask of this important part of your self?  What tasks would you like to assign it?

Ultimately finding balance in your life isn’t an issue of time management as it is a concern engaging more richly with your inner dialogue.



 

I love to watch my daughter learn to walk - her tentative steps grow more confident each day.   About half of the time she makes it across the room to whatever piece of furniture she can grab and about half of the time she falls on her bottom.

There are times when she cries out for me when she lands or gives up and crawls to her destination while other times when she looks slightly startled and then stands back up again and continues walking.  Each day she’s more likely to do the latter.

Cut to me trail running in the woods last week.  I happened across two men out running.  As I lifted my gaze to wave high, I caught a rock and rolled downward in a fall that was pure Hollywood.  It was an awesome spill.  My ITB struck a sharp rock and am still sporting the bruise.  But I brushed myself off and kept running down the trail.

There are many ways we fall in life.  There are the big falls from which we don’t pick ourselves back up and that lead to failure - projects that lie uncompleted, books that go unwritten, dreams that go unheeded and relationships that end in acrimony. 

And there are smaller falls, like when I expressed my frustration to my husband in that tone he doesn’t like, or scorched the garlic trying to make a new recipe for dinner.

What is apparent though is that when we fall, it’s generally because we’re stretching ourselves (or because we’re not paying attention).  It’s the falling associated with stretching that I’m interested in here.  Because like my daughter who is no longer content to crawl, when we’re stretching we’re saying yes to life.  We’re taking risks, willing ourselves to learn and grow.

One of my friends recently started learning to rock climb.  He’s in his late 40s and that’s generally well past the age when people start climbing.  He’s like the proverbial old dog learning new tricks.  What’s so cool is that this guy is an amazing athlete – someone who has excelled at many sports, and he’s doing okay learning to climb.   It would have been really easy for him to have just stuck with what he was already good at.  It took a lot of courage and openness to be the new guy at the gym, struggling on easy climbs, and yes, doing an awful lot of falling. …literally….

One of the reasons I think people age is that we become afraid of failure and afraid of falling.  When this happens the world gets smaller and smaller rather than continuing to expand for us.

I think fear of falling is also why so many relationships become stale.  People get complacent and don’t want to take risks.  On one hand, they hold too tightly to a relationship by not risking rocking the boat by being willing to be authentic even when that part of themselves isn’t what their partner wants to see. On the other hand, they get lazy and don’t try anything new.  Comfort replaces the courage that inspired excitement in the relationship.

How willing are you to take risks in order to grow in your life and relationships?  How often do you not speak up or try something new because you’re afraid of getting the wrong answer?  How willing are you to take falls in your life?