In his book, “Beyond the Mountain”, renown alpinist Steve House wrote, “The depth of any story is proportionate to the protagonist’s commitment to their goal, the complexity of the problem, and the grace of the solution”. 

I like this sentiment because it points to something I’ve noticed about people.  Those who have risen to the challenges in their lives tend to have richer characters and personalities than those who have not been tested or who shy away from challenges. 

People whose characters I admire often embody a blend of complementary qualities - toughness and compassion, depth and levity, surrender and commitment, confidence and humility, and patience and action. And this blending and balancing is something most people are not born with.  It is forged through experience and through living through – and even thriving in the midst of – challenging experiences.

A number of my coaching clients are going through some fairly intense personal, professional and familial challenges right now.  It’s like the universe is stirring up the pot of life a little more vigorously than usual.  Some of my clients are in the midst of major changes that are flowing as easily or quickly as desired. For others, there are major relationship challenges or someone they dearly love is going through difficult times.  

As a coach, my clients come to me because they want to live fulfilling lives.  But what does it mean to be fulfilled when dealing with experiences that are leaden with loss or discomfort?  What is it to want to be happy in the midst of suffering? And what about dealing with circumstances that are seemingly completely beyond one’s control?

I suggest that these types of life challenges are not supposed to be facile.  Whether it’s leaving a marriage or moving to a new location (my own story of the summer), such challenges are complex and have weight.  And it’s supposed to be that way.  It’s not about getting on with life right away or about always being happy.  It’s about being present to the fullness of what each moment brings.  These challenges give meaning and depth to life.

My clients who are handling their current challenges most gracefully are those who give themselves the time and space to experience the “both and” of their situations.  What I mean by that is they are able to be with whatever it is in life that they are mourning and accept that as part of where they are. 

And at the same time, they are also open to what is possible as things evolve and change.

It’s about being where you are now, and also about being open to what is still possible.

No matter of the intensity of the situation, consider what is to be learned in this situation.  What is it about this challenge that offers the opportunity for you to reach within your self and flourish?  What have you been shying away from? What is being asked of you now? What are your core values - that which pulls you forward, that which is the highest and deepest and grandest expression of your true and unique self?   What are you here to do?

In theology, grace is often defined as being under divine influence, or allowing the divine to flow through one.  I agree with this whole-heartedly.  To be graceful in life is to allow what is most divine in you to shine forth.  Nowhere is this as important was when handling life’s challenges.

No one says it as well as Rilke: “What is required of us is that we love the difficult and learn to deal with it. In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us. Right in the difficult we must have our joys, our happiness, our dreams: there against the depth of this background, they stand out, there for the first time we see how beautiful they are.”

I am packing for our move at the end of the summer.  I love the process of cleaning out closets, inventorying what we need and choosing what I want to take with us and what to discard, and what items to give to friends.  As things clear out, the house begins to feel lighter.  There’s something about having our possessions compact enough to fit onto a truck that stirs my inner gypsy.  Yet, the most fun is envisioning how our belongings will land in our new house as we create a new space to call home.

The choice about what to pack runs deeper than just the objects we take with us.  This move is about creating the vision I want for my life – something I’ve dreamed of for years.  Central to my vision is embracing and living my values.  I have a tick list of ideals I’ve desired to express more fully in my life:  to be in a smaller town where I feel I can put down roots, to live closer to the earth, and with easy access to the sports I love.  And, now that I’m a parent, for my daughter to grow up in a place where the people are friendly and nature is accessible.  I long for a place where it feels easy to get out of the house and into the hills, where I can experience nature unfolding around me and expanding within me.

It’s so easy to imagine that all of these dimensions will magically appear after we move, and not to think about what I have to ask of myself to manifest these.  Much more than packing up my household, I have to reach down into myself to ask what I want to leave behind – what habits and beliefs I hold here in my home in DC will no longer serve me in my new environment?

And when I ask myself this question, ironically the answer I receive is that I need to give up believing that my values - the love, respect and access of the outdoors and of engaging with friendly people at the supermarket - are not accessible to me now, in my current city and in this present moment.

I must cultivate the experience of being with my values rather than being with my desires for the future.  My values must be alive within me and flow from me into the world.  In this manner, I can experience them now.    In the same way that my muscles don’t get stronger by scheduling exercise next week – they get stronger when I use them now. Even if the use is to simply to sit with better posture, I need to strengthen my core values today so that I can pack them with me when I move.

If I do not live these values now, when I move, how likely is it I can live them fully?  True, as I set up a new home in a new environment, my ability to live and experience these values may be greater, but they start within me. 

The capacity for me to live more ecocentrically is not something that happens at some future time when I grow my own food, or live off-of the grid (although these things are important).  It’s an awareness of being in the place I am right now, and allowing myself to be at home here. 

Right now it’s about embracing the muggy days of summer, of watching the slight breeze dance with the leaves on the lush trees in my yard, and feeling the soft fingers of that breeze on my face.  It’s about enjoying the walk I take through this hot summer day to as I run my errands – and to celebrate that I can go to the post office, drug store and grocery without having to get in to my car.  

As I pack up my home and prepare to move west, I must ground myself more deeply in my own center through being where I am now.  Otherwise I fall prey to the Inner Demon, Whendalee who is the demon of wishes.
 
This drives to the core of what I find most challenging and most beautiful about being human.  All of this is temporary.  Life is a continual process of experiencing and letting go.

So as I embark on my errands today with a spirit of loving the place I am in, I ask of you:   is there a value that you cherish that you think you can’t experience today?  How about rather than rent your life out to your future, you find a way to make it happen for yourself now. 

Here is a new article I wrote that is posted on a divorce support website for women:

Turning Over a New Leaf